Jim Emerson / March 20, 2006

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The 10th season of "South Park" is scheduled to begin Wednesday (03/22/06) with an episode called 'The Return of Chef!' The actor who provided the voice for chef, Scientologist Issac Hayes ("Hustle & Flow," "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" and the famous score for the original "Shaft"), has been recovering from a mild stroke since mid-January and released a statement last week saying he was quitting "South Park" because of the episode "Trapped in the Closet," which aired last season (November, 2005) and ridiculed Scientology.

A Comedy Central press release gives this description for the new season's premiere episode:

The town is jolted out of a case of the doldrums when Chef suddenly reappears. While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about chef seems different. When Chef’s strange behavior starts getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all the stops to save him.

I wonder what strange behavior Chef might be exhibiting, and what the boys try to save him from? (It should be noted that Trey and Parker often deliver episodes at the very last minute, writing and finishing during the week before their initial broadcast.)

Two days after Hayes quit, the "Trapped in the Closet" episode was scheduled to repeat, but was pulled at the last minute without explanation. Reports followed that Scientologist Tom Cruise* (who was also ridiculed in the show) and/or Scientology officials had intervened (as they previously had in the UK) to prevent the rerun from being screened. Los Angeles Times reporter Scott Collins, who has dubbed the brouhaha "Closetgate," reported the carefully worded denials from various Cruise, Viacom, Paramount and Comedy Central spokespersons:

Midday Friday, Paramount spokeswoman Nancy Kirkpatrick said that Cruise "hasn't ever threatened not to support" the publicity campaign for "Mission: Impossible III."

Cruise rep Paul Bloch said the actor "had nothing to do with any programming" on Comedy Central. "At no time did Tom Cruise say he would not do publicity" for "M:I III."

Sad as it may seem, statements by studio and personal publicists and representatives are often as painstakingly encoded as anything you'll find coming out of the White House. So, while the focus was deflected to denying the claim, first reported by Mark Ebner at Hollywood Interrupted (a site that was brought down by Denial of Service attacks over the weekend), that Cruise had threatened to refuse to do publicity for "Mission: Impossible III," questions remain. The primary allegations, that Cruise and/or Scientology tried to stop it have pointedly not been addressed or refuted -- just tip-toed around. Collins:

No one at Viacom has publicly offered a satisfactory explanation of why the repeat, scheduled for Wednesday night, was pulled. A Comedy Central rep said he could not comment but referred to a statement issued Thursday to the New York Post saying the episode was pulled because "we wanted to give Chef an appropriate tribute by airing two episodes he is most known for."

That's a transparently ridiculous claim. If the network wanted to give Chef an appropriately disrespectful "South Park"-style send-off, it would have re-broadcast as scheduled the episode that prompted him to quit in a huff, not suddenly knocked over tables and chairs in a mad rush to memorialize the "episodes he is most known for."

Right on. (But we're talkin' bout Chef!) Then we can dig it...

Meanwhile, gossip reporter Roger Friedman at Fox 411 reports that some of Issac Hayes' friends are perplexed that he did not make a personal statement announcing he was quitting "South Park" and suggests that someone (i.e., Scientology) appears to have "quit for him":

I can tell you that Hayes is in no position to have quit anything. Contrary to news reports, the great writer, singer and musician suffered a stroke on Jan. 17. At the time it was said that he was hospitalized and suffering from exhaustion.

It’s also absolutely ridiculous to think that Hayes, who loved playing Chef on "South Park," would suddenly turn against the show because they were poking fun at Scientology.

Last November, when the “Trapped in a Closet” episode of the comedy aired, I saw Hayes and spent time with him in Memphis for the annual Blues Ball. If he hated the show so much, I doubt he would have performed his trademark hit song from the show, “Chocolate Salty Balls.” [...]

But it’s hard to know anything since Hayes, like Katie Holmes, is constantly monitored by a Scientologist representative most of the time. Luckily, at the Blues Ball he was on his own, partying just with family and friends....

Friends in Memphis tell me that Hayes did not issue any statements on his own about "South Park." They are mystified.

Friedman also quotes from this January 4, 2006, interview with The Onion AV Club, which was conducted before Hayes' mild stroke (no paralysis reported) and after the initial airing of the "Trapped in the Closet" episode:

AVC: There's some pretty harsh satire on South Park. They don't really care who they offend.

IH: But that's their thing! They're success was built on that cutting-edge stuff. I've had to defend them a lot of times. One time on BET Tonight I defended them because Tavis Smiley, the host on that show, was coming at me. It was a call-in show, too, so people were calling in. I told them not to take this stuff seriously. If you do, you'll get in trouble. Just enjoy it....

AVC: They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you?

IH: Well, I talked to Matt and Trey about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, "Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that shit, you know?" But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses, and understand what we do. [Laughs.]

So, let's recap what we know at the moment:

1) The evidence that Tom Cruise and/or Scientology applied pressure to prevent the rebroadcast of "Trapped in the Closet" is entirely circumstantial (but based in part on previous behavior by both litigious parties in the U.S. and the UK, where the episode has never aired). So far, there has been one specific denial -- that Cruise did not threaten to not promote "M:I III." (Indeed, as some have pointed out, since Cruise has gross participation in the film, it is in his best financial interest to do whatever he can to sell as many tickets and DVDs as possible.) No one is bothering to explicitly deny the reports that Cruise and/or Scientology intervened to prevent the episode from being shown last Wednesday. Saying that Cruise has nothing to do with programming at Comedy Central is true as far as it goes. Cruise is not employed by Comedy Central is a programming capacity. But it's not the same as simply stating he didn't apply any pressure.

2) The episode, "Trapped in the Closet," has not been returned to the schedule and was not repeated in the "South Park" marathon on Comedy Central last weekend (while at least one other 2005 episode, "Mr. Garrison's New Vagina," was). Comedy Central has not said whether the episode will ever be shown again. (It's safe to say nobody was able to stop "Trapped in the Closet" from being shown the first time because hardly anybody knew in advance what was coming.)

3) The entire "Trapped in the Closet" episode is sporadically available on the internet, but it seems every time we post a link to it, the links (AVI bittorrent) go dead within hours. If these don't work, you can still find clips at South Park Studios, where the show is in the running for most popular episode of the past season. If you're registered, you can vote for your favorite (either "Closet," "Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow," or "Marjorine"). Click here and scroll down to "Polls" in the right column.

4) To clarify for one of our correspondents: If it's true that Tom Cruise and/or Scientology pressured Viacom, Paramount and Comedy Central not to re-show "Trapped in the Closet," that doesn't necessarily mean any laws (or contracts) have been broken. One reader said: "... the First Amendment does not guarantee that people are entitled to having their television shows aired on Comedy Central. Cruise is perfectly entitled to pressure Paramount not to air the show again." True enough. But that hardly the point. If you believe in free speech (and disapprove of suppression by corporations that own most of the mass media in the United States), you might find it morally or ethically objectionable that a powerful client in one wing of a media mega-corporation could exert influence to stifle a client in another section of the same conglomerate. As I wrote last week:

Cruise can condemn or criticize or ridicule or call for a boycott of "South Park" all he likes. But when he (and/or his mega-media bosses) actually intervene to prevent something from being expressed (something that is not illegal or libelous), that's a kind of corporate prior restraint that (though legal -- and undoubtedly common) is not something free speech advocates can condone. So, we criticize....

Say George Clooney was making a big movie at 20th Century Fox. Would it be right for him to put pressure on the powers at Fox News to stifle Bill O'Reilly's cartoonish condemnations of "Hollywood liberals"? Not that such a thing would ever happen. But I submit it would be wrong if it did. And the outcry would be tremendous. Let's not forget that the corporate media in America were, for the most part, too afraid to actually show their readers the insulting Danish cartoons of Mohammed that some Muslims were killing and rioting about.

P.S. And to the reader who wrote in asking what the hell R. Kelly was doing on the episode: He put out a "hip-hopera" last year called... "Trapped in the Closet." That's the titular joke. It involves somebody almost as short as TC hiding in a closet -- and a kitchen cabinet! And it's as twisted and funny as any "South Park" episode. YouTube has plenty of bizarre excerpts, like this one.

* The term "Scientologist" often precedes the names of actors and directors in Hollywood until they win Oscars. For example, "Scientologist Paul Haggis" is now better-known as "Academy Award-winner Paul Haggis."